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Dr Evil Unemployment

Workforce Central Florida, an unemployment agency ran by local businesses in Florida (but funded by the state!), launched their latest campaign against unemployment by handing out over 6 thousand red capes! The $73,000 campaign “Cape-A-Bility Challenge” delivers a special power-charged cape and a foam cutout of comic character, Dr. Evil Unemployment, to the unemployed that cost the state almost $15 thousand in red cloth alone!

To get your cape, you must take the ‘What Superhero Are You?’ quiz on Facebook, become a fan of Workforce Central Florida on Facebook, tweet a job posting from the WCF, recommend someone on LinkedIn with the word ‘super’, and then pose with a foam cutout of the doc.

Although this may not work for people older than 6, it has to work better than the last campaign they launched: “Careereoki”, where the unemployed sung songs about the job they would like to have… WOW!

From the sounds of it, these people are in good hands. At least they could use the capes as a small blanket when they are sleeping on the streets waiting for the next audition for American Idol.

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Special Delivery!

An Oregon mailman attempted to relieve himself in some inviting bushes along his route last week, but was caught on camera by a nosey neighbor.

Don Derfler was home watching his son when he saw the delivery man approach the house across the street with packages only to retreat to the bordering bushes and assume the position.

“He started pulling his pants down and started defecating, and at that point I grabbed my camera and started to take pictures,” the astonished witness said.

The US Postal Service has issued many apologies and cleaned up the ‘evidence’ as quickly as possible. The worker has been suspended without pay, pending an investigation.

Its one irritating thing to be doing yard work and come across dog ‘waste’ left for you to deal with, but to find a human log lurking in your bushes would likely drive me up the wall. Regardless, Today’s Big Douche is Mr. Derfler for being that annoying neighbor that everyone hates. Sure, I’d appreciate the heads up when trimming my bushes, but there’s no need to snap shots of the situation so the poor guy (who was likely sick or unable to hold it) would lose his government job that keeps the toilet flushing in his own house.

Just put another ‘Scoop your Poop’ sign in your yard and leave the media out of it.

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Eyes Wide Shut

Here is a video of Vice President Joe Biden falling asleep during President Obama’s budget speech today. Even though many are giving the old guy hell for napping, I personally think he was blocking off the world while slowly inhaling a huge gust of the testosterone coming from the stage. In fact, I don’t blame Biden at all, as I was slightly bored  10 minutes in and I hadn’t been sitting through day-long meetings about the same crap for the last month!

Regardless of your personal feelings on the matter, forget the VP for a moment. Today’s Big Douche is actually the black chick in the upper left of the screen. If you watch the entire video, she is unmistakably nodding off the whole time and she hasn’t even won a vice presidential nomination! I don’t know who this broad is, but I’m sure #44 isn’t too happy right now!

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Object in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

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The Jury of Pop

New developments in the trial of Conrad Murray, the doctor charged with the murder of global star Michael Jackson, have surfaced as the court struggles to fill a jury bench impartial to the case.

With a trial set to start in May, the judge has issued a 29 page questionnaire to be taken by more than 350 potential jurors determining their opinion of Jackson, Murray, drugs, and anything in between.

Even though the 117 questions haven’t been publically released, takers have claimed it questioned if they were a fan of the King of Pop, whether they own any Jackson albums, had they seen him in concert, have they seen the tribute film ‘This is It’, have they ever taken perscription medication, or whether they know anyone with a drug problem.

Understandably, the court is attempting to find a jury who can be impartial to the case and former doctor, but anyone who is not Amish and ends up as a juror in this trial is Today’s Big Douche.

Unless you’ve been riding around on a horse and buggy for two decades, wearing a funny hat, you can’t pass the test. In my opinion, if you’ve ever listened to a rock song, worn a single white garden glove on your right hand, grabbed your crouch in public, or ever been a small boy, you’ve undoubtedly been exposed to Michael Jackson in one way or another.

Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and isn’t fit to make decision like this!

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Barking up the Wrong Tree

A Mason, Ohio man was arrested this week for barking at police dog!

According to reports, Officer Bradley Walker was responding to a crash at a Mason Pub when he heard his dog barking. Walker claims he watched as 25-year-old Ryan Stephens put his face about 2 inches from the rear window, and began barking and hissing at an already irritated dog.

Through slurred words, Stephens claims: ‘[the dog] started it. He was harassing me.’

Walker believes Stephens was intoxicated as he smelled of alcohol and had slurred speech.

As a dog owner and lover, I have to name Officer Bradley Walker Today’s Big Douche. I feel the officer was a little single minded when dealing with the situation. I mean, he barely even heard the drunk guy’s story and quickly jumped to a conclusion! I’ve personally seen my dog, many times, start barking at some innocent bystander that never even knew he was there and we think Stephens should just stand there and take it? No! I say, let the dog fight his own battles and may the better man (er, canine) win.

Oh, and of course the guy was drunk, Officer… he was arguing with a dog…

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Agent Puts Wife on Terrorist List

A British border agent rid himself of his biggest stress by using creative resources available to him.

When the immigration officer’s wife left the country to visit family in Pakistan, this wise guy logged into the border’s system and added the ol’ ball and chain to the terrorist watch list. When the poor woman attempted to board the return flight home, her travel was denied without reason.

Fast forward three years… yeah, THREE YEARS!

After applying for a promotion that required an increase in security clearance, the wife’s name came back into the picture. Extensive questioning eventually led to the true story and he was deservingly fired.

While many married folks would likely pat this guy on the back, the Immigration Department in every country is Today’s Big Douche. If its this easy to be added to the black list, no one is safe. You never know, that server you bad mouthed 2 years ago may have found a job with the border patrol and instead of spitting on your food, he just memorized your name off your card and figuratively spit on passport by adding you to the No-Fly list. Better watch your back!

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MONSTER in a Can

Today’s Big Douche is Monster Energy Drink for putting a new meaning behind their name.

Vitaliy Sulzhik, a 19 year-old from Des Moines, recalls March 20, 2011 with more than just a bad taste in his mouth. After purchasing a can of liquid balls, Sulzhik quickly killed the drink, but remembers the can still feeling full.

“I put it down and I felt it was still heavy. So I backwashed it and all this debris went into my mouth,” says the 19 year old. “Then I looked in the can and I saw the tip of the tail and I vomited everywhere.”

Even though the beverage company denies the claim, a lawsuit and laboratory analysis say otherwise.

Tests showed the mouse didn’t suffer any trauma from being killed and stuffed into the can, meaning the animal died a death most would envy: full submersion in MONSTER Energy Drink. I’m waiting for additional law suits from animal activists to come into play, but either way, I think I’ll stick to clear bottles from now on.

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Kid Fakes Shooting

A 14 year-old Utah boy reported a shooting today to cover up ripping his pants.

Police were notified and after interviewing 10 witnesses, found no shots were fired. Apparently the kid simply fell, skinning his knee and tearing his pants. In order to bypass trouble, he claimed a bullet grazed his leg.

Today’s Big Douche has to be the parents in this situation. The big question is what kind of trouble would this kid get into in order for him to claim a shooter tore his jeans instead of him? I know times are hard, but if I had to fake a near death experience to dodge a beating for damaging my clothes, there would be some serious issues in my parent’s heads. What happened to the good ol’ days of putting a band-aid on it and walking it off? Just another consequence of the recession.

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Thank God It’s Friday!

Because it IS Friday, I thought this song was very fitting.

If you like Justin Bieber, you’re going to LOVE this chick! The name’s Rebecca Black and here she is rocking her OFFICIAL music video: ‘Friday’. I know what you’re thinking. Maybe its not your cup of tea, but its an acquired taste. Much like chopped liver…yeah… liver.

The only thing more awkward here than the dance moves and the extras is the quality lyrics. At first, I was just rocking to the beat and didn’t even hear the sheer genius of the words, but the 6th go around, it all hit home! Let me quote my favorite part:

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday

Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after…wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

…Oh, Yeah!

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